Picking myself back up again.

Like I thought, I gained this week. However, I did not even begin to think I would gain as much as i did.
3.2 lbs.
I am horrified. And honestly, I dont think it was all a legitimate gain. I did not eat THAT badly and my stomach was messed up from my IBS.
Anyway, I just feel like a failure sort of. Ive been doing this since December. WTF.
And honestly, a lot of it has to do with how damn broke I am. Seriously, I take all blame and responsibility for this, but I believe my money situation is half the issue.
I have not gone to the grocery in 3 weeks (maybe more) and have no food. So, I ate out a lot. I broke my ff challenge and ate out. And Im really disappointed about that. But I just didnt know what to do.
So, Im changing my circumstances. I am applying for nanny jobs for the summer and hopefully will be making a LOT more money doing that. I may still work at my lame theatre job for some extra cash. but I dont know. I honestly really hate that place.
I really think that having enough money will help. I know that I have to take responsibility for the other part of it, but I really know myself and know that if I had more options and more healthy foods I would be doing a lot better.
Im re weighing in again tomorrow (mainly for my peace of mind so I dont beat myself up about this all week) and I will repost on here. Maybe I am in denial, but Im 90% sure that I am not 3 damn pounds heavier.

Anyway, better news next time I hope =/

Why do we always want to defeat ourselves?

What is going on??
Last week I lost another 1.4 lbs. I was SO excited to lost significantly two weeks in a row. When I made my weigh in video I expressed my concern that I might ruin it.
And I am currently in the process of doing so.
I have been off plan and eating not great things almost every day. Maybe my body will be nice to me and maintain. Maybe it wont.
In the past, I have given up at points like this. In the past I would have thought "This is too hard, Im taking a break" and then I would regain everything I had lost plus more.
That is in the past. It ended there. That person who gave up and decided that settling was okay is GONE. She doesnt exsist anymore.
This is FAR from over. Even if I (GOD forbid) gained back 7 lbs on Saturday, I will NOT feel defeated. I will pick myself back up and start again.
This is what I want. I will fight for it and I will NOT let it get me again.
I just dont understand why we let ourselves do this? I saw it coming and I STILL let it happen. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. Maybe I will lose. But if I do I wont feel like I deserve it.

Im going ot run on the treadmill tomorrow and get back on track. I owe it to myself. I deserve this happiness. I deserve to be healthy.